If anyone reading this EVER asks me to paint, stain, or help them with any project (creative or constructive) and it involves paint, liquids, or anything of the nature.
YOU ARE JUST PLAIN STUPID!
No longer will I hold a paint brush or carry vessels that carry liquids that create permanent stains.
I had a doozy of a time yesterday staining our friend/employer's multi-million dollar home. I was getting cocky as I admired my handi-work - noticing how careful I had been not to get the stain on the chinking between the logs -- when all of a sudden like the Winds of Armageddon (will there be wind with the coming of Christ? I am assuming so for this story), the ladder holding the gallon of stain is lifted from the deck, crashes on it's side, sending massive amounts of Autumn Brown wood stain all over the door, windows and Trek (synthetic) decking. Oh, and it splattered on Oliver, the hairless dog too.
I seriously thought I had just died and gone to Hell. Seriously? Could I have ANY worse Karma with painting? I was having flashbacks to the bedroom paint incident, the time I fell off my sink and broke the pointy chair with my uterus, and every other time I have painted or tried to do ANYTHING!
I wanted to lay down face first in that pile of stain and just huff it till I passed out. A little over-dramatic? Maybe.
As I frantically run around trying to figure out how and with what to clean up the mess that will likely get me fired from my "easy second job" I manage to track stain everywhere else on the synthetic decking that sucks up the brown stain like a dry cactus.
As I am weeping on my hands and knees and scrubbing the deck I look through the holes on the deck --of course, there are hundreds of feet of bare ground under the decking for most of the house, but where did ALL the stain drip through and land? Take a guess? Any guess at all . . .
Yes, that's right. Brooke made a dunk shot straight into the air conditioning unit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
All the cracks and crannys, the fan, the venting... covered in brown stain.
It's triage time. Save the decking or the massive electrical unit that if it turns on is likely to EXPLODE from all the gasoline I dumped in it.
I freaked out for 3 hours cleaning up the mess (as well as I could) go over in my head how to explain how I managed re-paint the insides of their AC unit, as well as add some lovely spots, foot prints, and designs to their extremely expensive decking.
Folks, Brooke doesn't just make catastrophic messes in her own humble home - no, I go ALL OUT and destroy trophy homes that take 4 years to build. Homes that are on the COVER of Log Home Living. If you're gonna do something - Do it BIG - that's my motto.
Yeah, so it's your fault, you've been warned. Never, under any circumstance hire or ask me to help you with a project where I could fall off a high point, stab myself with sharp objects, or spill flammable or permanent liquids. I have a disease, pre-disposition, bad karmic, habit of destroying beautiful things. As my brother says, "That's why you can't have nice things... "
I have given a whole new meaning to the term "Home Wrecker" and if you want to see me, you can find me in my padded room where I am not allowed to touch anything.
2 comments:
SOOOOO WHAT HAPPENED? NO ONE WAS HOME WHEN YOU WERE DOING THIS??? omg!
Oh no!! I bet you were freaking out!! I do stuff like that all the time and sometimes Beano helps. Once we were visiting a friend that was putting their adorable new nursery together. As we were talking in the kitchen, Beano peeks around the corner and to my horror had paint all over her paws - she has left paint over the entire house (yes new beautiful hardwoods). I wanted to cry.
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