Thursday, May 27, 2010

That kind of day(s)...

Well, its been that kind of TWO days, really. I'll break it down for ya....

Yesterday my child ate lots of mud (real mud) - she was helping plant our tomatoes (finally) and I look away for one second and bam - dirt eater. She seemed to enjoy it and kept shoving the wet dirt (we call this mud) into her mouth. If she had any more teeth, they would have been ground down to a pulp by now.
She had massive explosive pants (multiple times) and since she hates being on her back to be changed right now, i chased a poopy butt across the house as SHE whined about it. Are you kidding me? She's naked and free, I am the one that should be whining and crying at this point.

I was scolded by the mail lady because my a-hole dogs (Oliver) barks really mean and obnoxious at her when she arrives. He does this to ANYTHING that moves in the front yard - whether he is in the house barking, in the back yard barking, or terrorizing from the front yard. I can't win. I hear barking ALL DAY LONG! It wakes Matine up, it sends me to a very dark place in my psyche, and generally annoys the living crap out of me and my poor neighbors. Speaking of the dogs, even with their "summer shaves" I still have a constant mess of dirt, leaves, hair, bark, pine needles and poo to clean up because they track it through the house. "Just leave them outside" some people say. Well, "some people", let me just say, when I do that we have the barking mail lady problem or the insane dog (Brutus) just sitting outside at the door barking his hoarse, pathetic bark - never ending. He is senile at this point and doesn't really know up from down, so he could go on forever. No matter how beautiful a day it is, he barks until he is in the house, on the couch, smearing mud, old dog drool, and hair, all over the couches which I have to vacuum DAILY!!!!!!!!!!

Am I losing it? Maybe. Keep reading.

With ridiculous amounts of work to do - I had a very tight schedule to keep, so this has been one of the very few days in her existence that I was REALLY looking forward to a nap (not mine of course, Matine's nap). After the multiple strip downs, the dogs pawing and whining at me all day, and my general stress level at maximum proportions, I managed to fold a bit more laundry, put her down and I gathered all the paci's and nipples that I was needing to sanitize and threw them in a boiling pot of water on the stove. I was going downstairs to move another load of laundry and then right back upstairs, when the phone rings - work call - I hop into the office to handle the situation and.... lots of time goes by.

All of a sudden I hear a horribly loud beeping and the electronic voice on the smoke alarm (that sits right outside Matine's door) screaming "fire, fire!" Pure, insane panic overtakes me... Oh my god, is the house on fire... I am down in the basement, can't smell a thing, Matine is in her room, can I get to her, how bad is it? I fly up the stairs and see smoke - not tons, but more than I have ever seen in the house and it smells awful... What is going on? I fling myself around the corner to see that there's no "fire" anywhere and her room is safely shut and things are fine there. Brutus - the senile, good for nothing "guard dog" is sleeping on the chair. I look to the stove where most of the smoke is. Ohhhhhh, I forgot about all the plastic objects that I let sit and boil for 45 minutes!

Burning plastic, bad. All the windows and doors shut, even worse. Frantically running all over the house, opening every door and window I can. Cursing like a sailor because half of our windows and doors are P.O.S's and don't open or it takes the strength of 10 men to pry them open. Once air can get out I grab the baby monitor... is baby still sleeping? Like a freaking baby! Sound asleep. She and Brutus both - totally oblivious to my panicked running, the man on the smoke alarm YELLING - the ear piercing beeping 10 feet from her crib... Am i in the Twilight Zone?

Since the air was moving out of the house pretty quickly I wasn't totally panicked about Matine inhaling anything. her door was completely shut and there wasn't much smoke in the hallway, so she probably fine in there... BUT, no windows are open in there, what if the plastic chemical smoke is suffocating her in there? I crack the door, hop in and shut the door (quietly ) behind me. It smells fine in here - nice clean air. Good. So, I will leave. As I tiptoe to the door again she stirs... I throw myself to the floor with the plan to hide behind her little play table so she can't see me if she wakes up. BAM- head hits the table with a very, very loud crack... Silent cursing sailor is back!

Wait a few minutes, baby back to sleep. Crawl out, hoping I am not gushing blood from my forgetful stupid head... I am coherent enough to breath some clean air and survey the damage to my saucepan and what was all her paci's. All pacifiers, save the one that is in her mouth as she sleeps, are in a form that chemical engineers couldn't have created. Unrecognizable in shape, smell and color. Well, looks like we will be going to Pamida this afternoon for more pacifiers!

Frozen peas on the head, saucepan in garbage, focus Brooke back downstairs to TRY and get some work done.

When Matine finally woke from her beauty sleep, oblivious to the chaos that had surrounded her, I load her onto my back for a walk down to Mom and Jim's (where I keep our bike and her chariot) to go on a bike ride. Feeling sort of guilty about my lack of love to the fur-kids I STUPIDLY bring them along... What am I thinking? That I can really ride a bike, while pulling Matine with 3 dogs - one of whom blatantly ignores everything I say and one that is truly deaf and blind? Optimism truly does blind us sometimes!

More cursing on the walk down the hill, Brutus actually pulls me over in the alley and I hit the ground. Matine stayed vertical - all is fine, but I know have scraped toes and NO patience left.

Dogs got locked in the garage at mom and Jim's place - Matine and I are on our own for our bike ride. Off to the Post Office and Pamida. The plastic fumes have lifted from my head, beautiful day, darling baby in the bike chariot... life is good. We dodge the construction zones and TRACTORS on Main Street and finally get to Pamida. Ah, perfect . There's a carnival going on in Livingston (need I say more?). The CARNIES (I am not joking) are setting up their rides in the parking lot. These are the scariest looking people I have ever seen. Any jokes or stereotypes created about traveling carnies who show up in small towns are ALL deserved. I wait for it... and there it is... toothless man who has clearly never bathed, with arms that are different lengths, start cat calling me -- with a baby!!!!!!!!!

*&$#@ Paci's purchased, I check behind me multiple times on my ride home to make sure I am not followed by the Carnival and we are home. I figure I better lock myself in the house for the rest of the night... Goodness knows what else I am capable of doing today.

American Idol is on tonight - the finale! Yay. This should be fun (and hopefully safe). All was great until Janet Jackson's "Nasty Boys" comes on and Matine absolutely starts dancing like a FOOL. She loved it. No dancing to Joe Cocker or Alice Cooper or Carrie Underwood - No, we like dirty "Nasty Boys" songs. Whatever.

I shamefully read Twilight, Breaking Dawn and fall asleep - tomorrow is a new day!

Started out fairly well - Matine is a bit fussier than normal (this means she was a little fussy, as usually she's the happiest person on the Planet). Dogs are annoying as hell - I assumed. We get outside for some fresh air after her morning nap. Matine plays with the rocks on the driveway as I clean out the car. Mail lady shows up and in slow motion I see the Devil Dog running to bark and harass... What route does he take? Of course, the one that is OVER MATINE'S PERFECTLY INNOCENT HEAD! Bam, baby down, arms behind her, face on concrete. The mail lady must think I am a total lunatic as I am screaming at the dog, holding a screaming baby, with a look of pure frazzled hopelessness is in my eyes. I have no control.

Cookies. I want to make cookies. It was nice. And, I might be able to overshadow the smell of burned plastic in the house with fresh, hot baked chocolate chip cookies! That endeavor went almost according to plan... Matine ate a fist full of cookie dough, almost choked- oh well. Dogs continue to annoy me so I literally had this thought process. Let's go exercise the dogs. Since I can't control 3 at one time and stay upright with a baby on my back, I'll take them to the dog park. Dog park is by the river. They can swim. In the rushing high water. They might not be strong enough to handle it right now and be washed away. Perfect!

Back at home. Dogs lived. Good news is that Pete's coming home a day early. And I am drinking a beer at 3:30 on a Thursday afternoon.


Mel said...

Holy crap! I feel your pain--screaming kids, household disasters and annoying dogs. Good thing not all days are like that. btw We went to the carnival tonight and it was FUN!

Jacqueline said...

Sounds like you are in NEED of tomorrow night!!!! love ya ;)

Meg Taylor said...

omg!!! I am sooo sorry all that happened but you are a great writer and you had me at hello! xoxoxo to better days!

Ri said...

All I have to say is bark collars!! As much as I love my pooches it was heaven sent to have the peace and quiet!! You have a beautiful family:) Keep up the rewarding work!!

Michal said...

Lord have mercy! It's no wonder you need a vacation!! Can hardly wait.

Anonymous said...

From NYC I say that your family,including dogs, are so blessed to have you. Your writing is so good...maybe a magazine article or Diary. Much empathy sent your way.

Aunt Susie said...

I know it wasn't funny at the time but that was freakin' hilarious! Aren't there days (like when you have to go by carnies or construction workers) that you wish you were butt ugly? That had to be one of those days! Love ya!

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