I am a Social Outcast

Sunday morning... It's a bit chilly today. It feels to be around 40 outside. It smells like fall. It happens so quickly. One day we are basking in what feels like a never ending summer and then overnight there is frost on the vegetables and car windows and the green grass browns and we are bundling up in fleece and wearing socks again. I know back in Oklahoma they will keep their sandals out for a couple more months at least. Not here.

I love the fall however. I am looking forward to Pleasantville's perfect streets lined with golden trees and breathing in that crisp cooler air. This year I cannot wait for Halloween. It has always been such a fun holiday for me - I adore dressing up (even if I don't always make the effort) and love the Halloween festivities here in town. This year will be our first year with OUR kid, our little trick-or-treater to dress up and take pictures of. Mom and I already have a fun outfit idea and thank goodness she is here to actually make it happen and sew it. Growing up we always had the best homemade Halloween costumes - and of course, they usually were some sort of "pair" for Clark and I. One year Peter Rabbit and Cottontail, matching Penguins (with all the new penguin craze these days we were very ahead of our time!). I am glad my child can wear the homemade costumes (as long as Nona Kerri is willing to sew them).

Why I am going down this road I don't know. I am sitting in my kitchen area with furniture everywhere and hours of work to do to get it back together and cleaned. I did my bi-monthly freak out. Rearranging the furniture trying to hide all the parts of the house I don't particularly care for but have no intention of fixing anytime soon (money issue only, not motivation). Things are in a new place, rugs got pulled up so I could get the layers of dog dirt out of them and now everything needs a new home and I have a box to go to the Thrift Store.

I got online this morning to try to send a email or message to my mom who sits 2 blocks down the hill, but to whom I have no way of calling. I can't leave because the Baby sleeps. I cannot find my Blackberry. I can't find it everyday at some point, but I really think I left it somewhere this time. At least I think I know where I left it this time. I believe it's at the Gourmet Cellar Wine Shop where I stopped last night to get a bottle of wine to drink all by myself. Are they open on Sundays? I have a lot of friends I was going to try to see today . . . No way to call them. Are you reading this? Just come on by.

Well, I think I started the "wallowing" post because I was frustrated about the phone dilemma and the reason I was even at the Wine Shop last night is because of this:

My good friend Jessie's wedding was yesterday. I was so very excited to go! I haven't been much of a social person lately - by choice and circumstance. I adore being home with Matine and I get way too stressed out being out too much for fear of messing up a schedule, so I try to balance our very busy social lives with some discipline of staying in when there is nothing that we are committed to (because we are really committed to quite a bit and this doesn't leave much down time anyways). So, I made plans with Jeannette for Matine and I to be her date. Matine had a darling new outfit to wear - thanks to her new personal shopper Jacqueline. We hung with Jacqueline that afternoon before the wedding. M took a great nap, woke up just in time to eat and get dressed and changed. It was a really fun day.

I was dolled up (for me) and feeling sassy. We get to the wedding - gorgeous scenery, perfect weather, all our friends were there. I hadn't really laughed and acted like a real adult in a while. All going well until the ceremony is about to start. The darling perfect baby who hardly cries - ever - has a complete meltdown for some reason. I cannot figure out why. I take her to the car to see if she will calm down or if she is hungry, cold, something. Nothing calms her. Being that she doesn't usually cry or fuss at all, I am at a loss and probably in a bit of shock. I am watching the bride walk down the isle from the GMC Yukon (praying that the sound of the screaming Matine can't be heard through the car). It was windy, I think I am safe. The entire ceremony goes by. I make up in my head what I think they are saying in the ceremony as I see them laughing, crying, clapping, and if you knew Jessie there is always dancing involved when she is around. Bummer. Oh well, better in the hot car than being "that mom" who stands in an audience with a screaming baby. Screaming baby sounds always kill the wedding video montage later.

As the ceremony ends and the bride walks to the reception tent the crying stops - the darling bald baby even grins at me - like she knew what she was doing. What in the world? Alright, go with it, see if we can enjoy some of the reception and I am starving.

I get Matine in the Bjorn so I can enjoy my cocktail with one hand and hug my friends with the other. She seems fine. They roll out the whole pig, fresh of the spit (yummy). We go down by the beautiful Yellowstone River to take some pictures with all the gals. Of course it's loud and there is lots of yelling and laughter (have you met my friends?). Matine is used to this - she is part Cottongim and Howell - we are inherently loud people - all of us. Today however it sends her into a deep spiral into scream world where she is actually shedding huge tears and choking herself. What in the world? I get the looks from everyone that say, " What the hell is wrong with your baby? And you?" Smile for picture - pure terror on the inside of me. My baby is not a crier! Everyone makes excuses - oh, it's too loud, she must not be used to stranger's faces, maybe it's the wind, all the sunglasses, is she tired?

No to all of these things - the child lives with 3 barking dogs, has a constant stream of people in her face on a daily basis, complete strangers hold her in the shop all the time , the child has already been on a loud tractor and around horses screaming, diesel trucks, she's been in bars with live music, MY BROTHER! The child does not have a problem with the "social scene" here. Wind - no - she hangs outside with us as we watch our patio furniture blow to the neighbor's yard - she was born in Livingston for goodness sakes!

Frustrated and a bit thrown, I take her to the car again, walk around, maybe she will calm down - develop a voice and tell me what is wrong or that she is just pissed at me for something I did today. Long story a bit shorter, I just strap her in the carseat and drive home - leaving a trail of dust behind me. My friends shake their heads as I drive off, probably saying something to the effect of, "Now see, that's why I don't' want kids" or "yikes....(insert all the thoughts people say they don't have but DO)"

No pig, no dancing, no finishing my vodka cranberry cocktail. Life of a mom. I get it. I am really not that bitter - it was just my first real attempt a getting "out" and it was a train wreck.

I call my mom on the drive home - "wanna eat pizza at my house and watch a movie?" So, that is how I ended up at the Wine Shop on the way home, that is why I don't have a phone... I think I left it on the counter when I paid - I was flustered, pouting and a bit pissy.

If you must know, the second I got Matine home and inside she was smiley, giggles and grins. I guess she just doesn't like weddings?

If you need me today - email or facebook me, I don't talk on the phone anymore! So 2009!