A White Trash Tale

True story.

5:40 - the shop closed at 5:30 and I had forgotten to lock the door so no one would come in - never mind the lights were half off and the "Closed" sign was on. I see a group of people walk through the doors of the shop - never a good sign. The last minute shoppers always stay FOREVER and never buy anything. I insert my "of course you can come in and shop after closing time smile" to my face and proceed to watch my own jaw drop as this "family" comes through the door.

Mom, dad, grandma, grandpa, 3 kids that all looked like they were from separate fathers/biological cousins stream through the door. They actually smelled, were wearing cut off t-shirts, tattooed to the hilt, dirty sandals. I could count on 2 hands the number of teeth they shared between the 7 of them. No joking, the children's eyes were on the sides of their head. That family tree went straight up and down- if you know what I mean. All the joking that we have done about my cousins in Arkansas were no longer funny - this is REAL inbreeding folks! The scary kind. Also, the Deliverance theme song is playing in my head. Please have this song in your's as you read the following conversations (if you can call them that)

BH (that's me): Can I help you folks with anything this evening? (what i really mean is please get the hell out, we closed 10 minutes ago, and I am a bit frightened)

WTK1 (white trash kid #1): Are all this stuff for fishin' poles?

BH: uh, (trying to make contact with the the eye on the left side of his head, I think he's asking if the flies are for fishing?) Yes. They are flies that you use on a fishing rod to catch fish - yes.

WTK 1,2 & 3 proceed to pick up EVERY single small object in the store, shake it, drop it, smear oils all over it, unpackage it.

BH: Are you looking for anything particular? trying not to stare at the freakish shape of the grandmother's back end.

WTK 1, 2 & 3: Discover the innocent and sleeping Brutus hiding under a rack of clothes and proceed to "maul" him.

BH: Ah, that is Brutus - he is very old, he can't hear you much these days... You might frighten him if you all get too close at the same time and try to pick him up and talk too loud.

WT Children: proceed to yell into his ears.

BH: Seriously, he can't hear you.

Brutus the Dog: Runs to his mother and starts to shake. He too is afraid of the Deformed Humans.

WTK2: "That there dawg looks old. How old is he?"

BH: He is 14 now... Pretty old for a dog (dog still shaking and hiding behind BH)

WTK2: How old is he in people years?

BH: Knowing he meant dog years, not people years "well, if he is 14 in people years he is 14 x 7 in dog years. You multiply 7 times the age of your dog. That makes him 98!

WTK 1: (this kid looks like man-child -growing facial hair, 200 lbs, probably 7th or 8th grade) Whoaaa..... That's old. We have a dog at home. Just got' em. He's 2.... long silence.... That makes him like (counting in his head ) ..... 34 or sumthin.....

BH: Biting tongue and holding back tears (not sure of laughter or pain). Yes, pretty close, you are right.

Parents and grandparents "shopping" completely oblivious to the dog chasing, product throwing, touching and moving everything in the store antics...

WTK 2 & Father: 7 year old and "father figure" walk excitedly to the counter with some fishing gloves in hand. Both of them looking like they just discovered the last cookie in the cookie jar - toothless grins plastered across their faces. "Are these really for stripping and fighting?" waiting for my answer....

BH: Stunned, confused and trying to understand why they are asking such a question. I see the label. Uh.... well, not quite for the kind of stripping and fighting you are thinking.... You wear them when you are "fighting" a fish that you have on your line and for "stripping" in your line while you are fishing.

WTK 2 & Father: looking so disappointed I thought they might cry and clearly confused - The child that should not know what stripping OR fighting is, says "Bummer, that would have been really cool." Dad pats him on the back and says, "Yeah, I know."

BH: Looks over and thinks she saw the little girl just eat a McKee Corker strike indicator. Should I have warned them not to eat the merchandise?

The End. Sleep well, brush those teeth, teach your children some math, and by god, tell them the difference between stripping women and stripping fish!